


higher than soul can hope or mind can hide

by androids_fighting93



Series: never let me go [12]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Balance Spoilers, Canonical Character Death, Funeral, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Illness, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, discussion of death/the afterlife
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 08:20:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16301510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/androids_fighting93/pseuds/androids_fighting93
Summary: here is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the budand the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which growshigher than soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars aparti carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)- e.e. cummings--Kravitz knows when Magnus is meant to die. Time marches ahead, unconcerned with mortal things.





	higher than soul can hope or mind can hide

**Author's Note:**

> long time no see y'all (in this series, anyway).
> 
> So this fic is very near to my heart - I've been sitting on it for ages waiting for the right time to post, and then realized maybe there won't be a good time to post for a while since so much of my focus is on Synecdoche rn (which you should check out! it's totally different from this, but I'm very proud of it!). If it has a bit of a "finale" feel that's because that's how I always envisioned it, but I think there are still gaps to fill, so don't fret - I'm not done with these boys yet, just not sure how much I'll be able to get to em anytime soon. (Possibilities include: taagnus wedding! lucretia/taako reconciliation! murder roadtrip to kill kalen! kravitz/magnus centric fluff!). Not like I've ever written these in order anyway!
> 
> This won't work super well outside the context of the rest of the series, but if you're skipping ahead: This is a mostly canon-compliant AU where Taako and Magnus were together on the Starblaster and hooked up during the main campaign, fell in love with Kravitz, and built something kind of like a life together.
> 
> This is in the tags, but just in case: Obvious spoilers for the Balance finale. CW for death (canonical), illness, funerals, and depiction of a panic attack.

 

Kravitz knows when Magnus is meant to die. He doesn't do everyday reapings anymore, except in times of great need; the Raven Queen reserves his talents for problematic cases almost exclusively now that their team has grown. But he decides early on that he wants to be the one to bring Magnus to the other side.

He stands before his queen, back straight and head held high; she prefers that he doesn't kneel, that he looks at her when they speak even if it proves difficult to comprehend her ever shifting form, rustling feather and depthless shadow and a masked face if you can catch a glimpse of it. When he makes his request, his queen cocks her head bird-like and looks at him, never blinking, not at his body but at his soul, with an expression he cannot fathom.

 ** _OF COURSE, MY DEAR. IF YOU ARE SURE,_** she says, her voice a thousand wings taking flight.

Assuming no extraneous circumstances, if he lives to the end of his natural life, Magnus will live well into his eighties. Kravitz has an estimate of the year and the month planted in his mind the moment he makes the request to the Raven Queen, and he'll never stop thinking about it now that he knows. When he leaves her audience chambers he takes a moment to step into his office and muffle his sobbing behind his hand, feeling like a fool for asking for this and for being upset at all, as if he’s somehow surprised that one day his husband will die, as if he isn’t constantly witnessing death each and every day, as if this is any different. It is so much more time than anyone thought Magnus would get, Magnus himself included, but in the grand scheme of things it's nothing. This is what happens when you love mortals. He _knew_ that. And yet.

He wipes away his tears and goes home to his husbands. Taako lets him taste a bite of the meal he’s cooking, and Magnus kisses his cheek, and his heart aches in places it was never built to. One day he will recognize this as grief, but not yet. But when he holds them close to him his skin is warm with life, as they have kept him warm for so many years now, and he knows he wouldn't trade this for anything.

* * *

There is an autumn morning when the gray has begun to creep into Magnus’s beard and the fine hairs at his temples, when Kravitz wakes up to an empty bed. The sun’s rays just are beginning to break over the treeline but it is the absence, not the light, that wakes Kravitz; unused to being alone anymore, always surrounded by his lovers, by family. He blinks the clock into focus - barely six in the morning. Kravitz is an early riser but Taako most certainly is not, waking up after him is a rare occurrence.

He won't be able to sleep, not now, too curious, to unused to this bed being so empty. He pulls himself out of bed, through the silent house - so quiet now that Angus is grown and Lup and Barry’s cabin across the stream is finished - and down the stairs. He has an idea of where Taako is and it’s surprisingly not the kitchen, Taako’s usual safe haven.

Lup had confided in him years ago that if he woke up in the middle of the night and found Taako sitting outside - maybe sleeping, maybe not - then he should expect a bad day, and if she isn’t around to be with him, then he should sit with Taako until he’s ready to come in. He feels trapped, she’d explained. Claustrophobic, in the house, and convinced that if he stays any longer everything will fall apart beneath his feet, that it will be his fault, that he has to leave before it happens. The result of a lifetime spent on the run. Once, Kravitz had come home late at night and found the two of them asleep in the grass, inside their sleeping bags, by a smoldering bonfire; Lup had cracked an eye open and offered him a tired smile, and he’d carried Taako back to bed, barely waking him.

In the morning they’d tried to act as if nothing had happened but then Taako had rolled over in bed to face him, looked him in the eyes and said, quiet so as not to wake Magnus, “I’m not gonna leave, you know.”

He hadn’t known. Kravitz watched him, and held Taako’s hand between them, and didn’t answer.

“It feels like I have to run, sometimes,” Taako said, careful and quiet, squeezing Kravitz’s hand. “I get scared and it’s… it’s hard. To remember I’m safe here. But I’m not going anywhere.”

Kravitz lifted Taako’s hand to his lips, pressed a kiss to his palm and held it there a long moment. “Thank you,” he said, and drew Taako tight into his arms.  

Now, a quick glance out the window confirms his suspicion. Before he steps out to the back porch to join him, Kravitz quickly makes two cups of tea and slips on a jacket. Taako is curled up on the porch swing, dressed in thin pajamas, and he doesn’t seem to take notice when Kravitz steps outside.

His dog, fast asleep, snuggles up close with her head on his thigh. Taako would never actually admit that the short-haired terrier is his, but he had named her Torta - mostly he calls her “mutt” - and she follows him everywhere, lays still on his lap when he’s anxious, and half the time he doesn't realize that petting her helps him calm down. He’s petting her now, slow absent scritches behind her ears and she snuffles contentedly.

“It’s freezing,” Kravitz says.

Taako blinks slowly, turning his head to look at Kravitz. His eyes dull, like he’s just been woken from a trance. He frowns at his hands, red from the cold. “Oh,” he says, mildly surprised.

A bad day. Hard to say if it's bad memories, or being unable to remember, or something else. They take many forms for Taako as he cycles through his moods; sometimes forgetting where or when he is, sometimes distant from himself and his own body, oftentimes so manic he snaps at everyone and can’t stay still. Kravitz thinks back, tries to remember anything that might have been triggering for him, but the only thing different right now is Magnus being away. He’ll be back in a few days, but Taako had gone a bit quiet when they kissed goodbye.

He feels more than a little useless, handing Taako an oversized mug of tea as he sits down, like that could solve the puzzle that is Taako’s mind, but it can’t hurt either. Taako wraps his long, delicate fingers around it and breathes in the steam, sighing. Kravitz sets his own mug down and takes off his jacket, settling it around Taako’s thin shoulders; it isn't like he really needs it himself.

“Can I touch you?” Kravitz asks softly.

Taako ducks his head, a smile twitching at the corner of his lips. “Knock yourself out.”

That at least is a good sign. He’s learned these things through the years, coaxed the answers out of Taako and Lup or learned through trial and error how to help. It’s not like Taako is a wreck all the time, not like he’s in danger from himself, but there are things he’ll always struggle with. The mood swings, the anxiety, the gaps in his memory that Kravitz fears will only worsen as he ages. He just wants to help, however Taako will let him. Kravitz reaches over to run his fingers through Taako’s long, silky hair, gently massaging at the base of his skull, and Taako sighs, leans into the touch.

“It’s so early, my love,” Kravitz murmurs.

“Yeah. Couldn’t sleep, I guess. I don’t know.”

"Are you okay?"

The sound that Taako makes isn't quite a laugh. "Yeah, no. Not great, my man."

“Nightmares?”

“Mm.” The wind whistles through the barren trees and Taako pulls the jacket closer around himself, shivering. “Funny, isn't it? All these years and I still…” he trails off, shaking his head. “Stupid.”

Kravitz wraps an arm around Taako’s shoulder and gives him a squeeze, some sign of solidarity. He does understand when it comes to the nightmares; Taako knows that Kravitz still dreams of drowning, all these years later. He doesn’t know why Taako still feels the need to hide this, like it’s going to be some enormous inconvenience to Kravitz if Taako wakes him up in the night, or like Kravitz will think he’s stupid for still having night terrors. Old habits, perhaps, keeping his weaknesses hidden behind a wall.

The night terrors got worse again, for a little while, when Lup and Barry finally moved out of the big house and into their little cabin across the river, until Taako got used to having her further away. He’d tried so hard not to let Kravitz and Magnus catch on, to keep Lup from finding out about it - the sleepless nights, the fear, the lack of appetite and the urge to isolate himself; old traumas rearing their ugly heads, remnants of an unfair childhood. He’d finally told Kravitz, later when he finally came around to asking for help or even admitted that he needed it, about how he used to have panic attacks as a child when he didn’t know where Lup was for too long, convinced she had been taken away from him, those same fears manifesting in insomnia and nightmares later in life even when he couldn’t remember her but felt her absence like a missing limb. He asked for help, and Kravitz was so proud of him for it. Things improved once they realized their way of living was no less communal even if they didn’t all live together, that Lup and Barry would always be right there; even now the house is like a central hub for their enormous, ridiculous family, always someone passing through, always tea in the kettle for whoever drops by. He’s never alone, not really. But here they are, regardless.

“I can call Lup for you, if you like,” he offers, because sometimes it isn't him that Taako needs.

“Nah. ‘S fine.”

“Or Magnus?”

Taako laughs a little too quickly. “Are you kidding, I finally get to spread out to his side of the bed for once. No human fuckin’ furnace to smother me? Livin’ it up.”

 _Why do you do that,_ Kravitz wants to ask, _why do you put on a mask, even around me?_ Like Kravitz would judge him for missing Magnus, if that’s what’s wrong. He misses him too, when he makes his now-annual trips to Raven’s Roost.

“Anyway,” Taako says, more serious now. “Not… not today. He doesn't need this right now.”

It’s so early he forgets the date, for a moment, but once he thinks of it he understands what Taako means, why, perhaps, he can't seem to stop twisting his wedding ring around his fingers. Magnus will arrive at the rebuilt city of Raven's Roost today and his first stop will be the memorial site that grew where the bodies of those who died in Governor Kalen’s attack were buried, a memorial Magnus won't be able to fully comprehend because he can't, because he can never remember Kalen. A memorial to Julia Burnsides, leader of a revolution.

“You know he’d drop everything to answer your call, if you needed him,” Kravitz says.

“I know he would. I know.” Taako curls up tighter on himself, closer to Kravitz, leaning on him. “S’why I can’t.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kravitz offers, still quiet. Sometimes, no amount of understanding will help Taako be able to talk about it, but Kravitz’s instinct is to talk everything through ad nauseum, to Taako’s frequent irritation.

“Same ol’ dumb shit.” He hums as Kravitz continues playing with his hair. “Mm. Feels nice.”

“Okay.” Kravitz leans in, presses a gentle kiss to the side of Taako’s neck. Feels more than hears Taako’s sigh. “Just remember, I’m right here if you want to talk, or if you need anything at all, alright?”

Taako is quiet for a few moments before he mumbles, “Guess you are, aren’t you.”

“Of course. Always.”

They lapse into silence while Kravitz begins plaiting Taako’s hair and braiding it, a soothing, repetitive motion, the fine golden threads slippery in Kravitz's fingers. Taako doesn’t stop fidgeting with the ring, doesn’t look away from it. He bites his lip, brow furrowed. “Krav?” Taako’s voice wavers unexpectedly; he takes off his ring, holding it tight in his palm.

“Hm?”

“You mean it?”

“What’s that, dearest?

Taako turns to him now, and his eyes are wide, and frightened, and demanding. “You’re not mortal.” Kravitz doesn't bother answering that, they both know it to be true. “You won’t… die. So, you really mean _always._

He’s gripping that ring hard enough to leave an indent in his hand. Kravitz thinks of the one on Magnus’s own finger, carved with delicate honeysuckle blossoms along the band, carved for another woman in what seems like a different lifetime. None of their rings really match. A fitting sort of symbol, Kravitz always thought, of the strange and mismatched and wonderful thing that they have built together; Julia a part of it too, in a way. A space for a dead woman always carved out in Magnus’s heart, over the years in Kravitz and Taako’s as well; with the way Magnus talks about her, on the rare occasions he does, Kravitz rather thinks he could have loved her, too.

And Kravitz thinks of their husband standing alone at his wife’s grave on this frigid November morning, wrapped up tight in his coat, his graying hair uncovered because he always forgets to wear a hat, shivering alone. He never lets Kravitz simply open a rift to take him there, no matter how many times he offers, insisting on making the trip alone, on foot or on horseback. He wonders if one day Magnus will let them go with him, or if this will remain a burden that he feels he must bear alone.

“I mean it,” Kravitz whispers, though he’s worried that he’s not sure what Taako’s really asking. “You _are_ my always.”

“That’s a long time.”

“Not long enough.”

Taako’s chin trembles, and his hand finds Kravitz’s and squeezes hard enough to hurt but he doesn't pull away, he doesn't cry. “Not long enough,” he echoes, voice strained. “Guess this ends, too, eventually.”

“That's not what I-”

“Everything does. I mean fuck, I knew that, right, this can’t last, Magnus won’t always be here - everything ends, everyone _leaves_.”

“I don’t...” Kravitz begins, then stops, then shakes his head and begins again, afraid of how Taako might interpret anything he could say. “Will you come inside?”

Taako shakes his head, turns to face him. “Tell me you mean it. Tell me you won’t leave,” he demands.

“Darling, please, don’t do this -”

“Tell me you won’t _die_ like he will -”

“No, love,” Kravitz tries to pull him in close but Taako won’t let him, so he settles for stroking Taako’s hair from his face. “No, of course not, I’m never going to leave you. Not ever.”

“Then what happens? What happens to you?”

He doesn’t know what to say. What he _can_ say, except the truth. “We… stop, eventually. We join the rest of the souls, when our service is done, when we’re ready. But that won’t be for a long time, I promise you that. Not in your lifetime.”

“How can you ever be _ready_ for that, how can that be okay, _that's dying -_ ”

“You're shaking, love, I - I can make breakfast. Build a fire. We can go back to bed if you like.” Anything to stop Taako shivering and tamper down the look in his eyes, the frantic despair growing there like he’s going to lose Kravitz at any moment, unable to be logical in the midst of such panic. Kravitz would do anything he asked, anything to fix whatever is broken in him. “We can walk the dogs over to Lup and Barry's and have tea. We’ll have a quiet day together and we’ll wait for Magnus to come home, just don't -”

Taako's arms come around him, hold him painfully tight. “Don’t go,” He whispers, muffled into Kravitz’s collar. Breath coming too fast.

“I won’t.” He presses his lips to Taako’s hair.

“You won't leave me, you won't go -” Quick and panicked and fisting Kravitz’s shirt in his hands, nearly babbling, but his eyes stay dry. “Don't make me be alone I _can't_ -”

“No, no, no,” kiss after kiss after kiss because his doesn't know what to do except clutch Taako to his chest. Torta senses Taako’s distress and climbs into his lap, whining softly and bumping him with her head. “Never. I’m here, I’m right here. I promised, didn’t I? _Till death do us part and ever after._ We said that, remember, in our vows? I meant it. More than I’ve ever meant anything. ”

Taako fumbles for Torta and pulls her closer, petting her side, and she nuzzles into the space between them. Taako is shivering and Kravitz pulls the jacket tighter around him, rubs some heat into his arms.

“I love you,” he murmurs into Taako’s ear. “I love you both. Hush now. I’m staying right here.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Shh. Please, darling, let’s go back inside.”

He shivers in Kravitz’s arms once more, but his breathing evens out gradually. He nods, and Kravitz sits up, keeps his arm around Taako’s shoulders to guide him inside.

“Bed?” He murmurs, but Taako shakes his head, silent. So Kravitz leads them to the living room, to their overstuffed sofa with too many soft blankets draped over it’s back. He moves slowly, taking Taako’s favorite blanket and wrapping it around his shivering, chilled shoulders. Then he kneels in front of Taako, brushing his hair out of his face and letting his hand linger there, at the gentle curve of his neck. “There. I’ll make a fire, okay, warm you up. And more tea. And breakfast, when you want it. Anything you want.”

The dog jumps up on the couch, too, licks Taako’s hand before settling beside him, unwilling to leave his side when he’s upset. Taako seems almost numb now that the panic has passed, exhausted, no glamour to hide the shadows under his eyes.

“He’s going to live a long time, you know,” Kravitz says, before he can think better of it, before he can decide if it’s really the right thing to say, if he’s allowed to reveal even that. “We have time.”

Taako wraps the blanket tighter around himself like a shield. “Sorry,” he whispers, avoiding Kravitz’s eyes.

“Don’t be.”

“But -”

“Nope.” Kravitz places a finger over Taako’s lips. That, at least, garners the barest hint of a smile, though Taako’s eyes are still glassy. “You haven’t done anything to apologize for. Just let me take care of you.” It’s as much for his benefit as Taako’s. He needs so badly to be useful. To know he’s doing something, anything, to help when things are hard.

Taako is quiet while Kravitz fetches kindling and builds a little fire in their fireplace, something to take the chill off the air. He sings as he works, soft under his breath, something old and Elvish. It helps to have a task to focus on, instead of the sour feeling in his gut, the feeling that whatever set Taako off was his fault. It’s not, but even so, he wants desperately to fix it. To erase every single person who has hurt Taako, who have made him so terrified of being left alone. He will not be counted among those people.

He turns back to ask about breakfast, but pauses when he realizes that Taako has fallen asleep, curled up against the arm of the couch, blanket up to his chin, and Torta is fast asleep on his chest. Kravitz remains on the floor in front of him for a little while, watching the way his lips part just slightly as he sleeps and the way he unconsciously holds his dog close and warm.

 _Where would I go,_ Kravitz wonders, _where could you ever go where I wouldn’t follow you?_ He can’t imagine an existence other than this now, not one that’s worth it, though he knows it won’t last, not really. Taako will live centuries but in the span of Kravitz’s life it’s a blink of an eye, Magnus’s life even more brief than that. And yet he cannot fathom a life after. He'll follow Taako to the end of existence, too mortal to go back to what he was without him, too ancient to stay among the living without Taako to anchor him to this plane, it isn't his home, _Taako_ is, he's only a tenant here, a strange in-between creature of the living and the dead.

But that’s far off yet. They have lifetimes ahead of them. He curls up by Taako on the couch, stirring him slightly, but he’s soothed when Kravitz begins to hum again, soft and slow. Closing his eyes, and listening close for Taako’s breath.

* * *

He doesn't tell anyone about his task, though he suspects Lup and Barry know. Mortals don't get to be privy to knowledge like this, the inner workings of life and death, except for the Raven Queen's clerics, and even they know little, there are secrets that have never been written in any tome that a mortal can read, things man is not meant to know, the Astral Plane is separate from the Material Plane for a reason. When they know they get ideas in their head of stopping it from happening. Not that he thinks Magnus would do such a thing, but Taako might, this whole family is mad, they all turn to necromancy at the slightest provocation, which is why the Raven Queen already plans to offer Taako a position as a Reaper when the time comes - partially because he'll be good at it, partially because Lup and Barry will absolutely raise him from the dead if given the chance, but that is a long time off yet. In any case, the rules are not about them, they are universal.

With fifteen years of life left Magnus is still healthy, but slowing down. His hair is almost all gray now, flecks of red still hanging on in his beard. He stays active, of course, he walks with the dogs every day, but it takes him longer and longer to get out of bed. His back aches, and he complains that everyone is coddling him when Taako and Kravitz have to remind him that he isn't the young adventurer he used to be, that he cannot move the way he used to without throwing out his back again. He hates that. He keeps carving when his hands cooperate, though they shake now, and his gnarled and scarred knuckles sometimes ache too much to hold a knife. He doesn't want to stop working, it's not his style, though they do their best to make him rest. Angus comes by to help care for and train the dogs, brings his kids with him; they keep Magnus feeling young.

He falls asleep in his armchair most evenings, a wool blanket over his lap, a dog sleeping at his feet. Kravitz listens to him snore softly as he sets the table for dinner and Taako goes to the living room to rouse him. He can see and hear them from the kitchen, and pauses to look their way.

"Hey, big guy," Taako says, squeezing his shoulder.  His brow furrows in worry when he looks at Magnus more often than not these days. Magnus stirs, blinking up at Taako and smiling, still besotted, after all this time. "You hungry, or should i set some aside for you?"

"No, no, I'll come eat. Give me a sec." Magnus yawns. "C'mere." he pulls Taako in, the elf laughing as he settles gracefully on Magnus's lap.

Kravitz watches them, treasuring this, knowing nights like this are numbered. Taako hasn't changed much in all these years, his hair still shines gold and his eyes are bright. Kravitz feels like he blinked and from one moment to the next Magnus went from a young man to an old one. Time is strange for an immortal, more so for one who spends so much time in another plane, sometimes it stretches long in front of him and other times he feels like it's moving faster than he is, and always he feels separate from it's passage, even as he lives it, as he has lived among mortals now for so long. Fifteen years left for this man, gods, the heaviness of knowing that. Like there's a counter over his head when Kravitz looks at him, ticking down the years, the months, eventually the days and the hours and -

Selfishly, he often wishes he hadn't done it, hadn't asked to reap Magnus. Not always. There’s plenty of time when he doesn’t think about it. Most of the time he knows it's good that it will be him, no matter how it happens Magnus will feel safe with him there, and he'll feel better for seeing him pass on safely. But the knowledge makes his shoulders ache some days, he grasps at time to slow it down and it passes through his fingers like water, it isn't fair.

But this is his job, more than that it is his purpose. It has been a long time since knowing when a mortal's time was coming to an end pained him like this; he remembers his first years of a Reaper, how soft he was, how he wanted to bend the rules for everyone he met, they were all special, weren't they, didn't they all deserve a chance, deserve more time? But it doesn't work like that, no one is so special. Eventually he stopped seeing death as horrific but instead as natural, often beautiful, though unfortunately in his particular position he only sees people at their worst. This is not horrific, not exactly. Fear of death is fear of the unknown, and grief is partly fear of death. He knows where Magnus is going when the time comes. It is a good thing, for him to die. It is beautiful and Magnus has earned it, a hundredfold he has earned it.

But Kravitz will miss him terribly. It has been a very long time since he lost someone, really lost them, he can barely remember the faces of the family he had before his undeath, hard to grieve someone you have only the faintest memory of, he is not sure how it's done. He thinks his grieving, in his own strange way, will be done by the time Magnus dies.

"You're so pretty." Magnus's voice is rougher than it used to be. He brushes Taako's hair through his fingers and his hand settles on the small of his back. Kravitz leans on the doorframe, watching; they're in a bubble, these two, in their own little world, Taako's long, slender fingers tracing the deep, craggy lines on Magnus's face. "Makes me feel like a dirty old man."

"You _are_ a dirty old man," Taako retorts, kissing Magnus's cheek, he has laugh-lines around his eyes when he smiles. "Except I'm way older than you, so I guess I'm the cradle-robber here.”

"Yeah, but you don't look it."

"And I never will; Disguise Self, baby."

Taako falters, and Kravitz knows why, Magnus won't ever see Taako grow old, magic or no. If that occurs to Magnus he doesn't show it, he just slides his hand down to squeeze Taako's ass, making the elf squeal a little and smack his husband on the arm. When they start making out like newlyweds instead of coming to dinner Kravitz clears his throat to get their attention, but he shakes his head and smiles.

Later, when Magnus goes up to bed and Kravitz is helping Taako with the dishes, an easy silence between them, Taako asks without looking up from the sink, "When will it happen?"

"...What?" Kravitz asks blankly.

"You knows when he's going to..." He stops, takes a breath to steady himself and goes on. "You know, don't you?"

"Um." He scrubs the dish in his hand harder, avoiding Taako's eyes on him. "I don't know what you mean?"

"You're a real shitty liar, babe. The way you look at Mags these days, like he's sick - but he's not sick, so you must know something I don't and -"

"I can't talk to you about this, Taako, it's against every rule."

"Krav. Is he dying?" Taako finally looks up at him, he has that look in his eyes that is so familiar, that look he gets when he knows he'll get what he wants or else - a look that Kravitz has seen both in the midst of a fight and in bed. But fear tinges it now.

What Kravitz thinks is, _Of course he's dying. Everyone is always dying,_ you _are dying at this very moment and I can see it, if I look just right._

What Kravitz says is, "No. Not for a while."

"But you know when."

"Taako, I’m sorry, but I can’t. The cult of the Raven Queen is secretive for a reason. There are things you - mortals, I mean - just can’t know."

"Why the fuck not?" Taako leans back against the sink, gripping the edge tight. "You've broken your dumb rules for us so many times, why not now?"

"Magnus beat me in a battle of wits, and pardoning Lup and Barry was a decree from the Raven Queen herself.” One he had pleaded with her to make, but still, not technically breaking any rules. “Anyway, they're not _my rules,_ they’re _Hers,_ and questioning them isn't my place. And even if I could tell you, you wouldn’t want to know, not really.”

"You don't get to decide how I feel about it." There's a fire in his eyes, and an edge of desperation. He looks so much like Lup, right now, not just in the ways that he always looks like her but in his fierceness. “It’s _Magnus,_ Krav.”

"I know you think you want to know but if you did - you would _never_ stop thinking about it, Taako. You’d never stop feeling the years, the hours, counting down. Reapers can cope with that, we don’t… think about these things the way you do. But you..." He sighs. "To any mortal it would be considered a curse. It would eat away at you, Taako. Please trust me when I say that."

Taako swears under his breath, looking away for a moment. "...I get it. Fine."

Kravitz pulls him in to a hug, pressing a kiss to the side of his head, relieved when Taako relaxes easily against his chest - not really angry, not at him. "People do terrible things to save the people they love from death, as if it isn't a natural and necessary thing. I don't want you tempted by that. It's a dark road."

"Necromancy ain't Taako's style, my dude. I just..." Taako pulls back to look into Kravitz's face. "I wanted to have some warning. Get everyone together before he... I don't want him to be alone."

"He won't be alone," Kravitz promises, doesn't tell him he'll be there no matter what. "I wish I could help, love."

"It’s okay,” which really just means _it is what it is._ Their companionable silence returns, for a time, until Taako says, “By the way, Magnus cheated you that time. Rigged deck. Why d’you think he chose cards?”

He presses a kiss to Kravitz’s cheek and turns away.

* * *

A nasty illness spreads through the area one winter, all coughing and aching muscles and fever, practically everyone they know comes down with it in some capacity, Taako and Magnus spend two miserable weeks with Kravitz - not immune to such things but not in danger of dying from it - taking care of them. Taako recovers. Magnus doesn't, never entirely. It takes up residence in his lungs and weakens him, he wakes up in the night with a hacking cough more often than not, and clerics and healers can do little but make him more comfortable, impossible to heal old age, the natural progression of life. He's eighty-three years old.

When the illness has lingered for several months with no improvement, with Magnus getting thinner and slower, with Taako giving him new potions and bringing in clerics constantly - never Merle, for some reason - a date takes form in Kravitz's mind, an odd sort of awareness like remembering something he’s always known. In six weeks, Magnus will pass through the veil. Exactly on schedule.

He sits at their kitchen table as Taako mixes up dried herbs, brewing a foul-smelling medicinal tea that helps soothe Magnus's cough, which keeps coming back despite their best efforts and leaves him weakened. Taako's belief that Magnus can get better is admirable if futile, it's something he holds onto like a wand, a weapon. Yet another cleric has just come and gone, Taako slamming the door in her face when he didn’t get the answer he was looking for, and now he’s ranting as he mixes the medicine. No dog to comfort him anymore; Torta had passed a few years ago, and Taako hadn’t allowed himself to get attached to another. Magnus is too old to train them now anyway. They have cats, now, and just one very old dog.

“She doesn’t know shit,” he says, too loud when it’s just the two of them in the kitchen, grinding the herbs with his mortar and pestle with unnecessary force until they’re practically a powder. Kravitz feels numb, Taako’s anger distant and dull in his ears. “Don’t. Know. _Shit._ ”

The cleric had done nothing except tell them what they already knew, what Taako wouldn’t accept: that Magnus was dying.

“Taako,” Kravitz says, sounding as tired as he feels.

“He doesn’t have the fever anymore. We’ll find - something, some medicine, a competent fucking cleric --”

“Taako.” Kravitz stands up. He can tell when Taako is at the peak of a manic state, talking and moving too fast, voice shrill, all that energy with nowhere to direct it but inward until he collapses in on himself like a dying sun, and then comes the despondency, the hopelessness, the exhaustion. He goes to him, reaches out but doesn’t touch him, asking for permission. Taako’s hand is shaking on the pestle. “Stop.”

He goes limp, as if he was just waiting for the instructions; head hanging, hair falling into his face. He hasn’t worn a glamour in days. He looks old, in that odd way that elves look young and ancient all at once, shoulders bent with the weight of time. These past few days have been bad for Magnus, and Taako has been tireless with caring for him, foregoing food and sleep until Kravitz makes him take care of himself, refusing to accept help, and it catches up to him now. “Something could change,” Taako says, bottom lip trembling, acting like his sheer force of will could challenge death.

“It could,” Kravitz admits, this isn’t a matter of fate, death is rarely set in stone. But once he has a date, things don’t generally change. “But it won’t. He’s old, love. He’s tired.”

The tears burst from Taako like a flood, like he’s been holding them back for days, painful sobs wrenched from him that Kravitz aches to hear and he has never been so helpless standing before him. Outside their window, looking out over the garden and the bee hives, a late snow is melting in the afternoon sun; a cardinal flutters by and settles on a branch. He wills time to slow, to reverse, but it marches on despite him, unconcerned with mortal things.

“Fuck!” Taako rubs his eyes, his other hand still gripping the pestle, which Kravitz takes from his hand and sets aside before he drops it to the floor. “Fuck.”

"I love you,” Kravitz says, throat tight. “I love you so much." It isn't enough but it's all he has to offer. He wants to hold Taako so badly it's almost painful, but he isn't sure if that would be okay, Taako can hardly even stand still right now.

“Tell me you can help him. It’s _Magnus,_ you must be able to -”

“I can’t. It’s his time.”

“You have to - you have to give me something, Kravitz, please,” he comes closer, one hand on Kravitz’s collar, his eyes bloodshot, desperate. “You love him too. You could make a deal.”

He does touch Taako now, hands on his shoulders, firm and hopefully soothing. “I’m sorry.”

Taako shoves him away - not hard, it doesn’t hurt at all, but it puts a step of space between them and Kravitz lets go. “Then what’s the _fucking_ point?” He shouts, voice ringing through the silent, empty room. “What the fuck even is the point of you?”

Before Kravitz can even react he stops, almost seeming to deflate, and the tears begin to flow again as he brings a hand up to cover his mouth. “I didn’t mean that, I - I didn’t mean it,” he says, eyes wide and still brimming with tears.

Kravitz nods. Knowing this doesn’t stop his words from stinging like a slap to the face. He isn't doing nothing, goddess help him he is doing everything he can but Taako is used to being the exception to every rule, he doesn't always understand the careful equilibrium that the Raven Queen maintains, the _importance_ of death and it’s natural passage. It’s sacred. It _matters._

Taako grasps his hand, holding it to his tear streaked cheek. “I didn't mean it, I love you, I’m sorry, I love you -”

“I know,” Kravitz says, barely a whisper, hurt but not angry. He can't hold anything against Taako in a time like this, not when he needs him so badly. Finally Taako lets him hold him, arms around Kravitz’s waist like he’s all that’s keeping Taako afloat. He strokes Taako’s hair, feels the weight of him in his arms and breathes in his smell, Taako keeps him afloat, too. Even when they’re hurting - even if they hurt each other, and in so many years it’s bound to happen - they never let each other sink. “I love you too,” he whispers, face pressed to Taako’s hair, kissing the words there like he can embed them in his skin. “I love you both.”

“I just - I don’t know what to do. What am I supposed to _do?”_

How should he know what mortals do when faced with death? Kravitz only sees them when they're trying to reverse it. But he remembers what Taako had said years ago - that he didn’t want Magnus to be alone. Thinks of how Taako is working himself ragged, caring for Magnus, and how Kravitz can’t be there as often as he should, when the nature of his work often requires him to be away for days at a time.

"First I think you need Lup,” he says, because Lup knows what Taako needs even when Taako doesn’t. Taako slumps against his chest, but he doesn’t argue. “And then call Angus. Tell him - ask him to come home.”

“It’s soon, then,” Taako says. Kravitz doesn’t give a yes or a no, only silence - and that is enough of an answer in itself, even if he isn’t breaking any rules. He hates that this is what counts as generosity. Taako’s fingers curl into his collar, clutching him too tight. “I’m not _ready_ ,” he says, voice trembling.

“I know,” Kravitz says, rubbing a hand up his back, and wonders if it’s possible to be ready. He’d thought he would be; he really had, with all that time.

Taako takes a deep breath and lets it out slow, shuddering, face buried in Kravitz’s shoulder. “Okay,” Taako whispers. Calm. “Okay.”

He finishes brewing the tea, gives Kravitz the mug to take upstairs. Kravitz goes to Magnus, asleep in his bed, the dog dozing at his feet; Kravitz doesn't have the heart to make her get up. He leans over him, puts a hand on his shoulder, and Magnus smiles weakly as he blinks awake. “Hey, handsome,” he rasps.

Kravitz manages a smile. “Hello, my love. How are you feeling?”

“Like I could take on a dragon.” He's pale, hair all white and thinning, a light sheen of sweat on his forehead. Kravitz presses him palm to his head, checking to see if his fever has returned. "Don't fuss," Magnus says, and then coughs, the effort of it shaking his whole body.

"Here," he says, holding the mug of tea to Magnus's lips as he sits up to drink. He makes a face as he swallows down the foul brew.

“ _God_ it’s so fuckin’ bad," he complains.

"I know, love, but it will help."

"Rather have the cough."

Kravitz makes him drink as much as he can get down anyway, then sets the mug on the table before he comes to sit on the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry I had to wake you, darling.”

"Nah. I’m bored with sleeping all the time." He sits himself up all the way, propped up against the headboard.

"Are you hungry?" He busies himself with tucking the blankets up around Magnus’s chest, keeping him warm. Magnus shakes his head, and Kravitz tries not to think about how thin he is, age and illness have taken away his appetite. He makes a note to bring him some broth later, at least. To do as much as he can, anything to make this easier for Taako. The least he can do, when he’s about to take away the love of Taako’s life; a horrid way to think of it, but he can’t help it.

"I heard yelling," Magnus says, sounding confused and distant the way he often does these days, time slipping away from him. His mind is still strong as ever, and that’s a blessing, but he gets so tired, sleeps more often than he’s awake, and so he can’t always remember what was real or what was a restless dream when he’s always drifting in and out of them.

"Don’t mind that,” Kravitz says quickly. “Taako’s talking to Angus on the stone, he should be visiting soon."

That makes Magnus smile, even if it's tinged with sadness. Magnus knows what’s coming, he’s spoken to the clerics, he accepts it. He’s probably known for longer than anyone else but Kravitz. He’s distant, sometimes, staring into space. He reminisces about Julia in a way he never had before - used to be he grew sad any time she was mentioned, it pained him to speak of her, but Kravitz and Taako have learned more about Julia in the last few weeks than they have in all the years they've been married.

"It'll be good to see him," he says now. "Is he bringing Lucy?"

"I'll ask." Magnus always does better with his grandchildren around, especially the youngest, they give him energy.

"He's a good kid. A good man." He closes his eyes, silent for so long that Kravitz thinks he's fallen asleep, but before Kravitz can go he speaks up again. "You tell Taako he needs to take care of himself, too."

"I will," Kravitz says, taking Magnus's hand and offering an attempt at a smile.

"Make sure he eats enough, he won't do it on his own."

"You know I always do."

"Take care of each other," and there is something tight in Magnus's voice that has nothing to do with the illness in his lungs, he grips Kravitz's hand like a lifeline. “Okay?”

 _I don’t want to do this,_ Kravitz thinks, grief clawing at his throat and chest tight and eyes burning, and there is a horrid moment where he wishes he had never given his heart to these men; if losing Magnus is tearing him apart then what will be left of him after Taako passes on? He had known he would lose them but he didn’t know how useless he would feel, witnessing it, how _alien,_ someday he will cease to exist but he will never _die_ again and never has that distinction felt more clear. He’s never pretended that this wasn’t happening, but it’s so close now. Already the soul is getting ready to separate from the body; if Kravitz looks at him just right he can see it. _I don’t want it, I don’t want you to go._

"We all will. Always." Kravitz's voice breaks and he shuts his eyes, gathering himself. He can’t be the one to break down. He lays down at Magnus's side, just for a little while, just to be close, and he misses him even though he's right there. The warmth of his body loosens something in Kravitz’s chest, helps him breathe again. Magnus’s arm comes around him, holding him closer. "I promise."

Kravitz lying there helps Magnus settle down, and he drifts into sleep again, a little restless but better after finishing his tea. He stays with him until he's sure he can leave without breaking down, for Taako's sake if nothing else; Taako needs him to be strong so he will be. When he comes downstairs he’s grateful to see Lup already here, sitting next to Taako at the table, gripping his hand as he holds his glowing stone of farspeech. For a single, selfish moment Kravitz just wants to run, open up a rift and come out anywhere but here. He wants to be weak, just for a moment.

"I know you're probably busy," Taako is saying, "but - if you can be here at all..."

" _Lucy and I will be on the next train,_ " says Angus's voice, tinny over the stone but strong and steady, and Kravitz is always shocked to remember he's an adult now, with children of his own, that the child whose hair he used to help twist into little dreadlocks now, physically, looks older than Taako. " _You don't have to worry about a thing, I'll be there to help_."

"Only if you can, pumpkin,” Taako says with a sniffle that he fails to hide. Lup rubs his back, and though she’s silent, stoic, there’s no hiding the sadness in her eyes. “I've got things under control, don't put yourself out on my account."

" _Dad,_ " Angus says firmly. " _I'll be there._ "

* * *

There’s a day in early summer, years ago, long before Kravitz bears the weight of Magnus’s remaining years on his shoulders, when the cicadas sing from the trees and the bees work in their hives, when the air itself feels alive and the garden is lush and green. Taako’s less interested in the upkeep of the garden than the harvest, but Magnus never minds hard labor. He kneels next to Kravitz, helping to pull pesky weeds, knees damp from the soil and the sun beating down on their shoulders.

Magnus has slipped off his wedding ring, put it in his pocket for safekeeping, but Kravitz can see the pale line on his finger where it always sits. He had carved a ring for Taako to give to Kravitz, too, the band set with pink tourmaline and sapphire. A little on-the-nose, perhaps, but very sweet.

He hadn't married Magnus the day he married Taako - coming up on three years ago, at this point. It was early, in the grand scheme of things, especially compared to how long it took for Taako and Magnus to tie the knot, but Taako hadn't hesitated for a moment (“Look, I’m like over two hundred years old - I know when something’s gonna stick around.”) And for Kravitz, well, he knew long before he proposed that this was it, for him, he would never know someone else like Taako. He hadn't pressed the issue, hadn't been offended, when Magnus gently turned him down. Marriage meant different things to Magnus than it did to Kravitz, to Taako, and he wasn't ready. Practically, nothing changed. It would always be the three of them.

“I think these tomatoes will be turning ripe soon,” Magnus says, breaking the long, comfortable silence. “Start watching out for hornworms, they really wrecked 'em last year.”

“Let’s pick a few of the bigger green ones,” Kravitz says, pausing to wipe his brow. “Taako mentioned wanting to fry some.”

“Awesome.”

Kravitz glances up to smile at Magnus, to say something, but pauses, “Oh -” as Magnus goes very still. One of the honeybees has flown over to investigate, and landed on the tip of Magnus’s nose. “Oh, stay still, it won’t hurt you as long as it isn't frightened.”

“Hey, little buddy,” Magnus whispers, unperturbed as the honeybee explores, leaving a dusting of pollen behind. His eyes cross trying to get a look at it, and Kravitz lifts a soil-covered hand to his mouth, stifling a laugh. “That tickles. Do I look like a flower?”

There’s something about the image that feels like something green blooming to life in Kravitz’s chest - this hot afternoon, dirt on their knees and under their nails, insects darting busily through the air. Somewhere across the yard the dogs play. They’ll finish weeding, they’ll pick green tomatoes and zucchini to deliver to Taako and he'll make some kind of masterpiece with the vegetables that their own hands grew. Angus will be home from school just in time for dinner, Lup and Barry will make dessert if the mission they're on doesn't keep them away. And this is Kravitz's life. In all it’s mundanity, all the more precious for the smallness of each moment.

Six years, he's loved these men. It’s the most unlikely course his existence could have taken. If Istus herself had told him that he would one day fall deeply, madly in love with Magnus Burnsides, he would have laughed at her. How is this where he’s ended up?

Magnus laughs, eyes bright, as the honeybee buzzes away to some other flower, and he meets Kravitz’s gaze. “You’ve got dirt on your face.”

“You’ve pollen on yours.” He reaches out to brush it away, and Magnus catches his hand, pressing a quick kiss to the inside of his wrist. “I’m all dirty.”

“Oh well.” He drops Kravitz’s hand, a warm smile on his face. His cheeks and neck are red from the sun, and he doesn't go back to work right away, watching Kravitz for a long moment. “You’re thinking about something. I can tell.”

It’s easy to be honest with Magnus. Rustic hospitality, and all that. “I was thinking about asking you to marry me,” he admits, tone light as if he’s talking about the weather. “But then it occurred to me that we practically are already.”

Magnus laughs - surprised, but not very much. He grips a thick-stemmed weed by it’s base and pulls it from the earth, tossing it into a growing pile a few feet away. “We could make it official if you want to.”

“Do you?”

“Honestly, it… doesn't make a difference to me anymore.” He rubs the back of his neck, an almost sheepish smile. “I mean, what would change? I’ve been thinking of you as my husband for years now.”

“So have I, in all the ways that matter.”

“That sounds pretty official to me.”

“Mm.” Kravitz has no attention for the chore now, just watching Magnus work. He sits up and leans across the pile of weeds and soil between them and kisses Magnus’s mouth, soft and slow. “I suppose it is.”

“I love you,” Magnus murmurs, covering Kravitz's hand with his own. They'll be covered in soil by the time they go back to the house, but Kravitz couldn't care less.

“I love you, too.” Kravitz smiles against his lips thinking of how Taako will laugh at them for this later, how he’ll pat their cheeks and fondly murmur, _Dumbasses._ “My husband.”

* * *

“Don't be scared,” Magnus says.

Kravitz can't see Taako’s face, turned away from him, but he hears him laugh, hard and brittle and muffled. They’re talking quietly in Elvish, but Kravitz still understands every word. “Yeah. Sure.”

“I mean it. _I’m_ not.”

“Bullshit.”

“Why are you angry?”

“Why aren't you?”

“I had more than my fair share of time.”

Taako is silent a while. They think Kravitz is asleep beside them, or perhaps they just don't mind if he is or not, either way Kravitz doesn't interrupt them.

“Not angry at you,” Taako mumbles. There is the slight scratching sound of fingers brushing through hair. “It’s just. Different, for elves. You’d think that with such a long lifespan you wouldn’t be scared of it, but all it really means is you never know someone who’s died of old age.”

Magnus chuckles, voice rough these days like gravel underfoot. “I don’t know, it sort of feels normal at this point. Kind of like going home.”

Taako makes a small, desperate noise at the back of his throat. The bed moves as he shifts, the warmth of his body moving further from Kravitz, closer to Magnus. “ _Babe_.”

“I don't want you to be scared for me. I’ll be okay. I’ll see you again.”

Taako huffs, “Sentimental old man,” but his tone is fond. He’s quiet again for a while, and Kravitz listens to the rise and fall of their breath, Taako carefully steady, Magnus weaker and rattling, and he treasures it, every moment of it. Magnus has a week left and Kravitz carries the weight of this knowledge like stones in his pockets.

“You know you’ve been in my life for longer than you haven't?” Taako murmurs, and his voice cracks.  “Fuckin’ wild.”

“Now look who’s sentimental.”

“Never supposed to happen. Humans, like - you blink and you miss ‘em, you know? But not you. I don't know what my life looks like without you in it.”

“We were lucky,” Magnus says. His voice is as strong and steady as it can be, he’s calm in the face of eternity in the way very few people are. “I was so damn lucky to know you.”

When Taako starts to cry - softly, sniffling and trying to hide it pressing his face to Magnus’s chest - Kravitz does roll over, his arms coming around Taako easy as breathing. A place they’ve found themselves hundreds of times, Taako cradled between them, tangled limbs, his back pressed to Kravitz, and Magnus’s arm draping over them both heavy like a weighted blanket. This is home. Kravitz nuzzles his face into the back of Taako's neck, breathes him in and kisses him there, as he reaches to take Magnus’s hand.

* * *

Magnus does get better, in his final months, but never completely. Angus and his youngest daughter Lucy move back in, helping them prepare and just get through everyday life while caring for Magnus, with Angus’s husband visiting often and bringing their other two children when he can spare the time. With Barry and Lup visiting nearly every day, not to mention Merle and the rest, the house is full and alive, just like the day they first moved in. Their presence gives Magnus the energy to get out of bed more days than not; he plays with Lucy, spends hours talking with Angus, and Kravitz whispers little prayers to the Raven Queen each day, and to Istus for good measure, thanking them for this gift, this time of peace; melancholy, to be sure, but more happy than not.

But the illness still lingers, still wears him down, until he gets dramatically worse almost overnight. That’s when Taako calls Merle, Lucretia, and Davenport, as well as Carey and Killian. Surrounded by the family he built, Magnus lives until the very end of his natural life. It is quiet and peaceful and exactly what he earned.

Taako and the rest can't see Kravitz as he comes in, scythe in hand to separate the soul from the body, except for Lup and Barry. They nod at him and don't make his presence known; Taako doesn't notice, he's squeezing Magnus's hand, face white as a sheet, while Merle softly prays on the other side of the bed, and Carey, teary eyed, whispers some comfort to Magnus.

Kravitz pauses. Stretching out the seconds as long as he can. He watches Taako press a firm kiss to Magnus’s knuckles. “I never said it enough,” Taako says, almost too quiet to hear. “I don't even know why, now.”

Magnus smiles. His eyes are pale and watery but there's a glint of a young man’s eyes there, still. “I still knew,” he rasps. Barely a voice left. “Always knew.”

“I love you,” Taako whispers. “I love you, I love you, I love you so much -” like he’s trying to make up for every opportunity to say it that he let pass by. Kravitz sucks in a deep breath and steps forward.

Carving the soul from Magnus's body is easy. Some spirits resist, if they aren't ready, hang on until they can't anymore, they make it so hard, so messy. Magnus's spirit comes away like perforated paper, and he doesn't seem afraid; he is ready.

"I kind of knew it would be you," says Magnus's spirit, floating above the bed. He's watching Taako, who is clutching Magnus's still hand and staring blank-faced at the wall, unable to cry, as Lup holds him tight to her chest. Kravitz has to make himself look away or he won't be able to help but go to Taako, to hold him, he has a job to do. He distances himself from the scene with a practiced ease, but the look on Taako's face, blank with despair, will not leave his mind. Later. Later he will hold his husband and make everything okay, because he has to, because that's what he does.

"I wanted to be sure you make it to the right place." He reaches for Magnus's hand, and he takes it, squeezing it and smiling. Kravitz hesitates, and asks something he's never asked another spirit. It’s been a long time since he reaped someone who wasn’t on their way to the Stockade. "Was there any pain?"

"No. Just like falling asleep." He finally looks away from Taako, looks at Kravitz. "You'll take care of him?"

"Always."

"Tell him, tell them all I..."

"They know, love. They all know."

Stepping into the Astral Plane is as easy as stepping through a doorway. Magnus doesn't look back. Kravitz leads him to the shore, helps him into the boat, silent as it takes them across the lake of souls, and he feels like he should say something, but there isn't anything left. He had years to prepare for this, to say everything he needed Magnus to hear. And in just a moment, Magnus will not be his anymore. Still, for the moment he clutches Magnus's hand, he allows himself that much, that and the honor of giving this last gift.

The island is beautiful. The cabin is surrounded by trees and there's a little stream running past the house, a vegetable garden that will always be plentiful, and Magnus deserves this a thousand times over. Kravitz anchors the boat and offers Magnus a hand, his old body straining as they step onto shore.

"What is this?" Magnus asks, but before he can answer the door opens and Julia is there with the dogs, she doesn't see them at first. Magnus goes still, looking at her, like he can't do anything but look at her, a soft smile on his face. Acceptance, peace - this is right. Kravitz knows it down to his bones.

"Take all the time you need," Kravitz says, squeezing his husband's hand tight. "And when you're both ready you’ll pass on. It won't hurt."

"...Thank you."

He lifts Magnus's hand to his lips and kisses it one last time. "I love you, Magnus." It’s not enough. It’s all he has to give.

"I love you, too," Magnus echoes, but he is staring at Julia who is staring back now, and Kravitz breathes in deep and lets go as Magnus rushes in.

By the time they reach each other, running across the grass into each other's arms, Magnus has turned from an old man into a man of twenty-five, the age he was when Julia died, his hair longer than Kravitz ever saw it and bright red, his body big and strong and beautiful, he scoops her into his arms easily and the dogs are jumping up on them, and he is laughing.

Julia lifts her head and locks eyes with Kravitz across the island. He had reaped her, all those many years ago. That was during the Relic Wars, there had been so many deaths and it was all hands on deck for his team at the time. He didn't know who she was then, only that she was strong and fierce and furious about her death, so long before her time; she had offered to fight him and that stood out in his mind though he did not have time to make any kind of deal with her. When he learned that she was Magnus Burnsides' wife he had thought, _of course._

Now, she lifts her hand and greets him, and he waves back once before he turns away.

* * *

There are hundreds of people across Faerun that want to give their condolences, to come and celebrate his life. Everyone who had ever loved and admired Magnus, everyone he had saved. Hundreds of letters expressing the same sentiments, condolences for their loss, prayers to various gods, inquiries about a memorial service. Taako and Angus sit at the kitchen table answering them, eventually using magic to copy the identical message - _Thank you, but we've chosen to have a private ceremony._ Family and friends only. Taako had decided on this years ago, and Kravitz had wondered at the time if it was a little selfish - Magnus was a hero to the world and they had every right to mourn him - but now he can't bring himself to care. He doesn't want to be surrounded by anyone but their family right now. He can't imagine Taako trying to cater to a stranger’s grief.

Kravitz wakes up alone that morning, their bed vast and empty. He lays there for a time, wishing he didn't dread the day ahead; Magnus had wanted a celebration, not a mourning. He showers alone, puts on his suit and jewelry alone, pulls his hair up and ventures downstairs alone. For the first time in many years he feels cold.

It's still early enough that most people aren't up; he can hear someone milling about outside, either Angus or Barry, but the only sound in the house comes from the kitchen. He makes his way there and leans in the doorway: Taako, already in his suit but with his jacket slung over the back of a barstool, sleeves rolled up and an apron tied around his neck, hair in a haphazard bun, peers into the oven and pulls out a hot tray before he notices Kravitz. He meets his eyes for a moment before he glances away. “Mornin’.” His voice is dull.

“Morning.” He hovers in the doorway like a specter. There are three mugs of coffee cooling on the counter, Taako’s mug half empty, and he takes the one he knows is his. He hopes that the third is for Angus, that Taako hadn't set out Magnus's oversweet coffee by muscle memory. He takes a sip, tastes the cream, the two sugarcubes, and watches as Taako, with practiced ease, lays out macarons in neat lines to fill.

“I thought Lup and Ren were going to cook,” Kravitz says quietly. They’d practically had to fight Taako for that, he’d taken every little task on himself, as if the day wouldn't be difficult enough for him, but here he is regardless. He’s barely slept, and Kravitz knows this because he woke up every time Taako moved from his restless attempt at meditation; in the early hours he had vanished downstairs and Kravitz woke up alone. The absence of Taako in their bed - the absence of Magnus, too - like a physical thing.

Taako doesn't look at Kravitz as he starts piping white filling into the bright macarons. There’s a pile of them finished, already, on the counter, Taako’s go-to recipe when stressed and one of Magnus’s favorites. “I don't care.”

“You promised to let them help,” Kravitz says; he should let it go but it seems very important to stop this, to make Taako stop moving and _look at him_ for just a second. Taako’s hands tighten around the piping bag, squeezing out too much filling, and he swears and tries to fix it but only smears the filling more. “Taako, you said you would let everyone -”

“I don’t care, I don’t FUCKING care -” His voice raises suddenly and then he chokes, squeezing his eyes shut and bringing a hand up to his mouth, the other trembling violently as he sets the piping bag down on the counter. He breathes deliberately, slowly, like he’s trying not to be sick. His eyes are dry; Kravitz hasn’t seen him cry. “Just. Let me do this.”

“Okay. It's alright.” He comes to stand beside Taako, rests a hand on his shoulder. “Is there anything I can do?”

“No.” Taako stands very still, nearly stiff, and his voice is cold. “There’s nothing you can do. Nothing at all.”

Kravitz draws his hand away, and sighs at the way Taako relaxes slightly as soon as they’re no longer touching. He’s sick to his stomach. He’s tired and the day has barely begun. He honestly doesn’t have the energy to break through this wall that Taako is putting up between them, between himself and everyone, not with the day ahead. “I’ll… see if I can help outside.”

Taako doesn't reply, and Kravitz leaves him alone.

* * *

Magnus didn't worship any particular god. Favored by Istus, with a soft spot for Pan by extension, married to the emissary of the Raven Queen, the service is a strange mix of traditions. He’s buried in the yard, not far from the dogs that they've said goodbye to over the years. They sprinkle the ashes, a handful at a time, into the grave as Merle delivers the eulogy. Something about coming from the earth and returning to it, becoming energy for the very world that once sustained your own life. Living on in every blade of grass.

Taako stands very still by Kravitz's side.

They plant a tree in place of a gravestone. Oak - a favorite of his to work with. Each of them in turn refill the grave with soil, taking a moment to place an offering to be buried inside, and quietly say goodbye. He watches as Killian and Carey approach the grave together, placing their handfuls of soil and a crudely carved wooden duck.

Kravitz is startled when it comes time for him to approach. His steps falter and his mind goes blank, after all this time, now he can't think of a single thing to say. He can feel Taako’s eyes on the back of his neck as he kneels down.

Soil. Offering. He lays three black feathers in the grave. And on instinct he begins to sing softly, the first verses of an old hymn to the Raven Queen. Very old, and probably forgotten by most worshippers today, but Kravitz has always comfort in it. He hears Lup's voice join his own, and then Barry’s.

He’s still kneeling when he feels Taako at his side. Not touching him, but sitting close, as if he had to do this now before he loses his nerve. Kravitz watches his face, the way his smooth expression wavers, almost imperceptibly, but Kravitz can see the telltale twitch of his mouth.

He has flowers to lay before the grave, but there's something else too. A ring, carved with delicate flowers, shiny with years of wear. Kravitz's chest goes tight as the ring is placed in the grave, and then covered by soil.

“Shoulda had notes for this, I guess,” Taako murmurs. “Guess I thought I’d just - know what I’m supposed to say, but I don’t. Stupid. But, you know. We always played it loose, didn't we?”

His breath comes harshly. He sits back on his heels, looking down at the freshly planted sapling. “So, we’re supposed to be celebrating your life today, I guess. Gods know you had plenty of it. Plenty of adventures, saved plenty of people - hooked up with me, you scored pretty big there, huh? And I’m trying, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that right now. How I’m supposed to sit here and pretend that I’m _celebrating_ when I just want you back.

“And look, I know that we cheated, okay? I know we got a so many more years than we deserved, but I don't give a shit. I want _more_. I want as much time as I can get. I mean, fuck, why should I get to live three hundred more years and not you, how is that fair? _You’re_ the hero. Best man I ever knew.”

He swallows. Sets the flowers down and, as if on instinct, reaches for Kravitz's hand and squeezes it tight enough to hurt, but Kravitz just squeezes back. He blinks rapidly and then exhales in a rush, stands up. “Tell Julia hi for me, okay?”

Kravitz holds his hand for the rest of the service, but the moment it's over Taako lets go, and turns away without looking him in the eye.

* * *

The day seems to simultaneously creep at a snail's pace and pass too quickly for Kravitz to comprehend. So many people approaching them to give their condolences - so many people who loved Magnus - that he stops hearing them, eventually, it all loses its meaning. He feels like he’s moving on autopilot, hoping he’s not doing or saying something utterly foolish.

Taako snatches a bottle of wine from one of the tables piled high with food and drink (and macarons), forgoing the glasses that sit next to it. He looks like he wants to run away - Kravitz nearly wants to let him - but he takes a swig from the bottle and accepts the condolences, if not the affection. Kravitz can see how it wears on him, how he holds his body tight like a coiled spring, but what can he do? The only people he allows to touch him are the former members of the IPRE, including Lucretia, stooped and wrinkled but no less a powerful figure, Lup by her side with a hand on her shoulder to steady her.

“He lived so much longer than we thought he would, didn't he?” She says, a hand on Taako’s arm.

Taako takes a long drink. “Yeah. Really thought he’d get eaten by a dragon years ago.”

Lucretia chuckles. “Me too. He did so much good with the time he had. A life worth celebrating, I would say.”

Taako stares her down. “My husband is in the fucking ground,” he says, harsh enough that Kravitz flinches. “And everyone wants me to fucking celebrate it.”

“Oh, Taako -”

Taako laughs, sharp and harsh, stepping back. “Holy fuck, I can't do this. I can’t -” he cuts himself off, turning around, shaking off Kravitz's hand on his shoulder and stomping away. Taking the wine with him.

“Taako, wait,” Lup calls out after him, but he doesn’t stop. She turns on Kravitz, scowling. “You want to maybe _talk_ to your husband for a minute, Skeletor?”

“I,” Kravitz begins, and then doesn't go on, because yes, but he can't, Taako won't even look at him and he feels lost, untethered, frankly not handling this any better, but he’s less loud about it than Taako. Lup loses patience with him, huffs and follows after her brother. She stops him on the back porch of the house, tugging the bottle of wine from him hand before he can chug the rest of it. He’s angry, but he allows Lup to pull him into her arms for a tight hug, it’s the most Kravitz has seen him let anyone touch him all day.

Kravitz turns away, back to Lucretia. “I’m so sorry for that.”

“It's not your fault.” She looks sad, but otherwise unfazed. He supposes she’s used to Taako’s temper, between the hundred year journey and the years after, when he wouldn't even speak to her if he wasn't forced. According to Taako, they've always butted heads, fiercely but briefly. He still doesn’t know the whole story of their reconciliation after the story and song, but it had taken a long time. “I know Taako. He needs time to hurt, before he’ll let himself feel better, but he’ll be alright.”

“I don't know what to do for him,” Kravitz says softly.

“No one ever does, when it comes to this kind of thing.”

“I’m sorry,” Kravitz says again. “You and Magnus were so close, you were _all_ so close, I - I can’t imagine.”

Lucretia smiles, soft and sad. “I keep forgetting it’s permanent this time.”

* * *

Kravitz thanks his goddess when the reception comes to an end, when all that’s left is family, filling the house with their warmth. A big dinner - cooked ahead of time by Lup and Ren - and drinks, and a fire in the hearth as they gather in the living room.

Taako, Lup, and Lucretia have monopolized the couch, the three of them leaning on each other, Lucretia’s head on Taako’s shoulder, their earlier spat already forgotten. Taako’s arm curls protectively around her, while Lup slowly and gently works his hair out of it’s braid. On the floor in front of the couch Merle and Davenport are sharing stories about Magnus when he was young, Lup chiming in with extra embellishment, and Angus listening to the familiar tales with a sad smile, his daughter curled up asleep in his lap. Taako seems to be trying not to listen at all, eyes closed, every once in a while murmuring something to Lucretia that Kravitz can’t make out.

He feels so far away from them. Like they might as well be in another plane, somewhere Kravitz cannot reach. He’s startled, then, when Barry puts a hand on his shoulder - as if he had broken some invisible barrier between Kravitz and the rest of the room. Isolating, but _safe_ in a way, and Kravitz isn’t sure how to be part of this.

“How are you holding up, bud?” Barry asks, taking a seat on the floor next to Kravitz’s chair. He’s holding two beers, offering one to Kravitz. Kravitz doesn’t particularly want one, but he takes it anyway, sips at it slowly.

“I’m fine,” Kravitz says automatically. The world hasn’t ended, Magnus’s death has not upset the balance of the universe, by definition he _is_ fine so why, why does he feel like he’s on a sinking ship?

Barry nods. The look on his face is less pity and more sympathy, empathy even., but it still makes Kravitz avoid eye contact. “I am,” he insists, perhaps too forcefully.

“I know you are,” Barry assures him. “But you know it’s okay for you to not be okay, right?”

He truly doesn’t know how to react to that, absurdly emotional all at once. He could blame it on overtiredness. It’s been a long day. He takes a long drink just to have something else to focus on for even a moment.

“I don’t know,” he says, before he’s even really aware that he’s speaking, “how I’m supposed to feel right now. Everything I think and feel seems wrong. Everything is just. _Wrong._ ”

“Yeah,” Barry says gently. “There isn’t a right or wrong way, there isn’t a supposed to. It just is. You’re allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling.”

“What do I do now?”

“Keep living. As best as you can.”

There doesn’t seem to be much to say, beyond that. But Barry’s presence is a comfort, even in silence. Barry, who said goodbye to a brother today. Kravitz wants to say something to him, offer him something, but he can’t think of what he has to give except to share the silence. It’s enough.

Goodbyes that night are quietly emotional as they slowly file out - he watches as Lup hugs Lucretia long and tight, as Angus gathers his children to put to bed. Merle pauses by the doorway as he says goodbye to Taako, and to Kravitz’s surprise Taako actually kneels down when the dwarf tugs him into a hug.

“Love you, kiddo,” Merle says gruffly, patting his back.

Taako squeezes Merle tighter, just for a second. “Yeah. You too, old man,” he mumbles, like he doesn’t want anyone to hear.

“Don’t be a stranger.”

“Try answering your fucking stone every once in a while.”

Merle laughs, pats Taako’s back once more as he lets go. Lup is right behind him but she seems reluctant to leave. “We can stay another night,” she says, holding Taako’s hand, glancing at Kravitz.

“Nah. You go sleep in your own bed for once.”

“We’ll bring breakfast. Around ten?”

“Sure.”

The quiet is deafening when everyone has finally left. Kravitz doesn’t know what to do, too tired to really think; he starts gathering dishes to take to the kitchen, anything to feel useful. But he turns around at the sound of footsteps, just in time to see Taako going upstairs, without a word. With hardly a glance at Kravitz.

He follows. He doesn’t know what else he can do.

Taako is in the bathroom when he gets there, so Kravitz automatically goes through the motions of getting ready to sleep, takes off his jewelry and sets it on the nightstand, hangs up his jacket. He sits on the edge of the bed, fiddling with the buttons of his shirt but not undressing, unable to focus on the task. He watches Taako go through his routine, quicker than usual, sharp motions, not the usual meditative ease with which he goes about washing his face, brushing his hair. He hasn’t looked Kravitz in the eye since Magnus died.

“Taako?” Kravitz says quietly as he comes back into the bedroom, mindlessly rummaging through their dresser for something to sleep in, still in his dress pants and shirt.

“What?” Sharp, and cold, and Kravitz has to keep himself from flinching.

What Kravitz thinks is, _do you hate me, for taking him?_ A small and frightened part of him exposed. He knows it would only make things worse, another wedge between them, a manipulation, though he wouldn’t intend it that way. What Kravitz says is, “What’s wrong?”

Taako won’t look at him. He won’t look at him and Kravitz wants to grab him, take him by the shoulders and make Taako face him, wants to hold him close until that tension holding his body taut as a piano wire is finally released. He fists his hands into the bedsheets.

“Seriously?” Taako says. He’s still looking into the dresser, but has stopped searching for anything.

“Why are you so angry at me - what have I done?”

Taako shakes his head, almost laughs, but it doesn’t quite escape his clenched jaw. “Of course you don’t know.”

"I really don’t," Kravitz says, rubbing the bridge of his nose, "Whatever I did I'm sure I’m very sorry, but I can't imagine what it was."

"No, of course you can't," Taako huffs, "I'm sure this isn't a big deal to you, death I mean, big bad Grim Reaper and all that -"

"What are you - will you please just look at me?" he reaches out, but Taako just turns away. His shoulders are hunched up to his ears, ears which are pressed back against his skull like he’s being threatened. Kravitz runs a hand through his hair, sighing in frustration. Frustrated, and hurt, and so fucking _sad_ he doesn’t know what to do, this ineffective body too limited to contain it all, he feels like bursting at the seams. “Taako, _please_.”

“Forget it,” Taako snaps. “It’s not like you even care.”

And that is too much, somehow, that is what makes Kravitz fall apart, he wants to cry but instead he finds himself standing up, standing over Taako. “How can you say that? You are not the only one who lost him, Taako!” He doesn’t mean to raise his voice, but he does, realizes this when Taako’s ears twitch and droop. Taako scoffs, looks away but doesn’t answer. “What do you _want_ from me, am I supposed to wail and weep? Throw myself down on his grave? Is my grief not performative enough for you?”

“You couldn’t even be there!” Taako shouts; his voice cracks as he spins back around and Kravitz wonders if Angus and his family can hear them from their room. “And you knew, don’t try to lie to me I _know_ you knew, you’ve known for years when he would - and you kept it from me, and I could deal with that but you weren’t even there and I _needed you there!_ You say you loved him but you couldn’t even…” He cuts himself off, turning away, but not before Kravitz sees the tears welling in his eyes - finally spilling over after this long, miserable day.

 _Oh_. Oh, of course, Taako hadn’t been able to see him when he came to collect Magnus’s soul, he doesn’t know. Kravitz’s mouth falls open but he can’t find a way to answer without shouting at him and he doesn’t _want_ to shout, but it’s already too late. With a growl of frustration Taako storms past Kravitz, slamming the door behind him.

“Fuck.” Kravitz mutters, sitting heavily on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. He only realizes then, when he rubs at his face and his palms come away wet, that he was crying, but it doesn’t feel real even when he tastes the tears, a distant feeling, separate from him, from this construct of a body that will never wither and age; maybe it’s a futile effort to understand this, everything that Taako is going through, maybe the Raven Queen didn’t build him to grieve.

He should have known. He should have thought of this, but all of his thoughts had been on Magnus then, on making sure that he made it safely to the other side, on doing his job. The Raven Queen’s laws were not built for the comfort of mortals. And Taako had had Lup with him, and Barry, and Angus. He hadn’t thought...

He takes a moment to breathe deliberately, to steady himself. To curb his own hurt, his own frustration with Taako, at least enough that they won’t fight again the moment they see each other. He won’t be able to bear it, he thinks, not another fight, not tonight. When he feels a little less raw - and when he thinks Taako will be ready - he gets up and goes back downstairs. It’s late and the house is silent as a tomb but there’s a light on in the living room.

He finds Taako right where he expects, curled up in the big, soft chair that Magnus had spent so much time in, especially as he grew older, falling asleep there more often than not, until it grew threadbare, but Taako wouldn’t throw it out. He has a habit of replacing all of their furniture every decade or so out of boredom, but no matter how badly they matched two things always stay the same - the bed that Magnus had built, and the chair that he had always sat in. It swallows Taako's smaller frame, makes him look almost child-like as he sits there, staring at nothing in particular, eyes glassy, the blanket that he used to cover Magnus with whenever he fell asleep in this chair wrapped around his shoulders. He presses it to his face and breathes in and Kravitz realizes with a jolt of pain in his chest, right below his construct of a heart, that it must still smell like Magnus. He wonders if this where Taako came when he didn't sleep in their bed last night, if he curled up in his chair and slept with that blanket, wrapped in Magnus.

They will keep that blanket until it is all bare threads. There is so much he has left behind, everywhere Kravitz looks and lingering in his periphery. A house so well lived in that he is embedded in every grain of wood, in every facet of their lives; he will never allow them to forget him. Eventually, Kravitz believes - or hopes - it will be a comfort rather than a burden.

Kravitz goes to his husband, kneeling on the floor in front of the chair and laying his head down in Taako's lap, eyes closed. For a moment Taako doesn't respond, doesn't even move, but then Kravitz feels a hand on the back of his neck, long slender fingers raking through the loose hairs there. Kravitz relaxes for what feels like the first time in days, sighs in relief at that simple touch.

"I'm sorry," Taako whispers, voice wavering, as if Kravitz could stay angry at him. “I’m so, so sorry.”

He seems old, all of the sudden, it's easy to forget about age with elves, but Kravitz looks up and sees hundreds of years in his husband's eyes. And Kravitz is older still, he was reaping already when Taako was a child, and they still have many, many years left, moving soon into a new stage of their life together as the people they knew pass on. They always knew Magnus would be a blink in time compared to the span of their lives, and they made it a good blink.

"No,” Kravitz says softly. “No, love, I am.”

"God, I'm such a asshole. I didn't mean..."

"I know. You're hurting. It's okay." Kravitz says. Taako's way of dealing with with pain is not new to Kravitz, after all these years. The way he lashes out, like a wounded animal, not caring in the moment what he damages.

But Taako doesn’t accept this, shaking his head. “It’s _not,_ it’s not fucking okay - just because it’s me doesn’t make hurting you _okay._ ”

“Darling -”

“I never want you to think that’s okay, I _hate_ that.”

“I hurt you, too.”

He shakes his head again, but doesn’t reply. There seems to be little to say, at that, nothing much Kravitz _can_ say. "I love you both so much," Kravitz whispers, taking Taako's hand and kissing his fingertips. Both asking for forgiveness and offering it; of course Taako hurt him, but of course Kravitz forgives him, always will. What he thinks is, _I will never love anyone again the way I have loved you. Till death do us part and ever after._

"I love you both, too. I love you." Taako says, gripping his hand tight. He says it more often in recent years. Maybe he trusts himself not to lie now. Maybe now more than ever he just needs Kravitz to know. "I can’t imagine the rest of my life.”

“You will,” Kravitz says. And he believes it. “Until then we just... keep living, I think. As best we can.”

Because they have to. Because it’s impossible to go on for hundreds of years more if they can’t live without the people they lose along the way. This, Kravitz knows better than most. But he knows that it feels impossible to do, right now, that healing takes time and they will not be the same when it’s done. Kravitz closes his eyes for a moment, he's praying to the Raven Queen, a brief apology, in this moment he doesn’t care about the rules, the consequences. She can punish him, if she likes, but it’s not like anything can change now that Magnus is gone, he would not willingly be brought back if they tried. When he prays he can feel her eyes on him, and somehow he can feel that she’s glancing away.

"I'm not supposed to tell you this," he says. Taako's ears twitch up and toward him, he looks down at Kravitz, expectant and anxious. Kravitz kisses his hand again, lips brushing the wooden ring Magnus carved so many years ago, before he goes on. "You’re right. I knew when he would die, because I was the one who took his soul across.”

“I… I thought that wasn’t your job anymore.”

“It isn’t. I asked to do it. I wanted him to feel safe, to know it would all be okay. So I was there. But I wasn’t there for _you_ , Taako, and I’m so sorry.”

"No, shit, you… don't be, that was your job. I just wish I'd known. How long did you know?” Taako asks, hesitant.

“Nearly thirty years.” It was nothing, and it was eternity, and now it is over. He’d thought he would feel lighter, after his duty was done, but all it is is a hollow place in him that aches and aches.

“Oh,” Taako whispers, eyes closed. “Fuck, babe.”

"You know I'm going to get in trouble for telling you this. Lup's going to take employee of the month from me _again."_ It makes Taako laugh despite himself, and that's such a relief, to finally hear him laugh.. "There's a sort of... waystation, to help them pass through to the other side, not everyone needs it, but Julia did, she wasn't ready to go without her husband. So she waited for him. That's where he is now, with Julia and the dogs, until they're ready. She built a little house, and they have a garden, and - I can't go back there to see him again, that's not how it works, but - I know he's okay. He's safe and happy, I promise."

Silence, for a time, until he realizes that Taako is crying again. Quietly, his eyes closed and shoulders bent and shaking with little sobs, unconcerned with trying to hold them back now. Kravitz holds his hand and wishes that he could help, that this was something he could fix, except this is necessary, in a way. Cleansing, now that he’s allowed himself to feel it, now that it’s over, now that he doesn’t have to pretend to be okay. So Kravitz lets him cry, and stays silent until Taako is still and calm again. He wipes his eyes with the heel of his palm and takes a shuddering breath.

"The dogs are there?" he asks softly.

"Yes, they’re there, Johann and Torta - probably the others, too -"

And then Taako is tugging him up into his arms, into his lap in a crushing hug, and Kravitz is struck by how thin he’s gotten again - he’s always been small, but he’d fallen back into bad habits when Magnus got sick, forgetting to eat. Kravitz vows to be better at helping him remember and holds Taako tighter, curled up around each other in Magnus's chair, inhaling the smell of both of them mingling and thinks that he could have lived in it for the rest of his long existence.

"Thank you," Taako says, muffled with his face buried in Kravitz’s neck, which is not what Kravitz expected to hear at all; he’s momentarily stunned. "Thank you for taking him back to her. How did... how did she look?"

"She was beautiful. Just like he always said. They get all the time they deserved."

"Thank you," he says again. Kravitz squeezes him tight, fighting back his own tears now. He hadn’t known, hadn’t realized how much he needed any reassurance that what he did was right, that Taako doesn’t blame him, hate him for taking Magnus away. A weight he hadn’t known he was bearing suddenly lifted and he has to cling to Taako to stay anchored.

Taako lifts his head and sniffles, wiping at his eyes again. "Is it - is it wrong that I’m still sad? Like. I’m glad they’re finally together, I really am. But I still wish he was here. Happy-sad. I dunno.”

“Me too,” Kravitz says. He’d put into words, albeit clumsily, what Kravitz has been feeling for years. Happy-sad. He doesn’t know how to grieve, really, but if they’re both feeling happy-sad then maybe he’s doing it right.

Taako laughs, watery and weak. His hand rubs firm circles between Kravitz’s shoulders. “I'm so fucking sick of crying. Feel so stupid."

Kravitz kisses him, just once, steals that thought right from his lips. “You’re not stupid.”

He's very glad that he doesn't know when Taako is meant to die, he doesn't think he could bear to go through that again. Not that it will matter if he becomes a reaper, except in this moment Taako looks so damn tired that he wonders if he'll take that offer or choose to pass on, to finally rest, to join Magnus in the sea of souls. He hadn't considered that before, and the thought makes his chest ache.

If Taako doesn't take the Raven Queen's offer -

He will. Of course he will. Eternity with Lup, with Barry, with Kravitz, they'll make the ultimate team. He'll take it. But. If he's done, if he simply passes on -

Well. Kravitz thinks he will be done too, then. It is not as morbid a thought as he thinks it should be. He’s known a long time that he would follow Taako wherever he asked.

"Come back to bed?" Kravitz asks, and Taako nods, finally getting up, he brings the blanket with him wrapped around his shoulders like a little cape.

Taako moves like he's half asleep, the way he does after a long panic attack or a nightmare, fumbling through tasks without thinking. Kravitz has been there for that countless times - in a way its almost a comfort because it means the worst is over, because he knows what he can do. Slow and patient, he wipes the tears from his cheeks, drapes Magnus's blanket over his shoulders as they sit together in the center of the bed; it feels enormous without Magnus, a yawning void. Their bedroom is dark, a glint of moonlight shining through a gap in the curtains, making a strip of light between them across the bed. He begins to light a lamp and then realizes they don’t need to, now, no limited human sight to accommodate. It feels strange to leave it off, yet wrong to disrupt the dark, the shadows like a shroud over them.

"What do you need?" Kravitz asks, hands gentle as they smoothe up and down Taako's arms, rub his back, brush his hair from his eyes. "What can I do, love?"

Taako lets out a long sigh, leaning into Kravitz's touch. It’s clear that he needs it, the physicality, to be grounded in the here and now. "Is it wrong that I want you right now?" He asks quietly, voice breaking, breaking Kravitz's heart with it, they have hardly touched since Magnus died and now Taako presses a hand to Kravitz's chest, over his heart, the heart that beats warm for _him_. "I just, I wanna... be close to you. Need to feel normal. Anything but this.”

"It's not wrong," Kravitz murmurs, kissing Taako's forehead and cheeks and the corner of his mouth, feeling Taako's shoulders begin to soften and relax, his fingers curling around the collar of Kravitz’s shirt. He cradles Taako's face in both his hands, lifts his jaw and kisses him long and slow. It’s been such a long day and he’s so tired. He needs it, too. Needs to be close, to feel Taako next to him warm and alive, terribly, beautifully alive.

For a long time that's all they do. Kravitz allows himself to revel in it, the relief of knowing Taako still wants him and the ease of kissing him, understanding what Taako meant by needing normal - he does not understand how to mourn like a mortal but this he knows better than he knows himself: his husband's body underneath his hands and the taste of his mouth and what he needs, what Kravitz can do for him. They kiss until Kravitz's mouth is swollen and sore and he pulls away to breathe, still close. "Kravitz," Taako whispers, and their lips brush as he speaks. When Kravitz kisses him again he presses forward, guiding Taako onto his back. "Kravitz," as if it's the only thing that still makes sense to him, eyes meeting his and glowing in his darkvision for a moment before fluttering closed.

Taako is too drained to do much except tell Kravitz what he needs, he lets Kravitz undress him, lets Kravitz kiss down his chest, closing his eyes and pressing his face into the pillow, unusually quiet. Kravitz lets him stay quiet, just takes care of him, _wants_ to take care of him now that he finally knows what to do, opening Taako up and whispering comfort and love into his skin. He knows that it isn't enough, it will not heal their broken hearts, but it must count for something.

“I love you,” he hears Taako whisper in musical elvish, lifts his head and meets his eyes and Taako touches his cheek feather-soft. Taako looks at him with desperation in his eyes like he’s trying to communicate something for which there are no adequate words, so he says again, urgently, “Love you, Kravitz, _I love you_ ,” until Kravitz kisses him again, soothes him quiet. Taako clings to him like he’ll disappear if he doesn’t.

He takes it slow until Taako is making soft, pleading noises against his aching mouth, “Please, please just - do it -” and finally Kravitz presses into him, gasping, almost shocked for a moment at how overwhelmingly _good_ it feels to be here with him, how safe surrounded by the warmth and familiarity of Taako's body, Kravitz’s own pain had been dull and distant for days, ignored for the time being in favor of caring for Taako and getting them through the funeral and he is startled by how much he needs this comfort too, wants to feel Taako's love warming him head to toe.

He kisses Taako and crowds around him as he rolls his hips slow, and Taako wraps his legs and arms around Kravitz and holds him too tight, as much skin on skin as they can manage. The way Taako grips him, nails digging into his back, tells him that Taako is asking for _more_ , for rougher, for faster, perhaps wanting it to hurt. He doesn't, he won't - perhaps this is selfish, but he needs gentle, now, needs soft and warm, to feel each slow push inside. Taako's grip on him goes slack after a while, one thin hand coming up to cradle the back of Kravitz's neck, he presses his mouth to Kravitz's collarbone, breath hot and shuddering out of him. He slips a hand between them, between Taako’s legs, and Taako cries out, trembling underneath him.

Taako is normally so vocal, so dramatic in bed so Kravitz almost misses it when he comes, shaking and clutching tight at Kravitz's shoulders with a choked off sound. Kravitz kisses him once more when he goes still deep inside him and stays there until he is spent, suddenly exhausted in a way he hadn't realized before this moment, wrung out. As they come down, sweat cooling on their skin, Kravitz still half expects to feel Magnus's arms around them, as he had so many times before, big enough to hold them both.

Taako looks at him after a while, in the quiet dark, their faces close enough to kiss, but they only breathe together, warming their air between them. His arms come around Kravitz’s shoulders to pull him yet closer, eyes glassy but darkvision-bright, trailing a finger along the soft point of Kravitz's ear. The touch makes Kravitz shiver, oversensitive and overtired. He reaches down to find Magnus’s blanket where it had fallen to the foot of the bed, tucking it up tight close to their chins, the wool a little scratchy on Kravitz’s bare skin. It is both a comfort and very nearly worse, to be reminded of the smell of him now, sawdust and dog hair, soap and cinnamon and fifty years of memories, a shadow of being held in his arms. Kravitz doesn’t realize he’s been crying until Taako wipes a tear from his cheek with the pad of his thumb, looks at him stricken and heartbroken, and Kravitz reaches up to hold Taako’s hand against his cheek, to press a kiss to his palm.

"Sweetheart?" Taako says, hushed in the dark, still in Elvish, too tired to think in Common. Worry in his eyes and Kravitz wants to ease his mind but he can’t find it in himself to speak. He hums in place of an answer, burrowing deep into his husband's arms, safe and here and his; they aren’t okay, but they will be one day, this he knows, and that is enough. Something hard and sharp settles in Kravitz’s chest, but it does not claw at his insides, no, it finds a place to live in him. A deep, cleansing pain, necessary; he lets it be. Taako strokes his hair and holds him too tight and whispers, so quiet Kravitz wouldn’t hear it if he wasn’t so close, "Don't you ever leave me."

What Kravitz thinks is: _til death do us part and ever after_. What he thinks is, _where would I ever go without you._ What he thinks is, _I will follow you until we are both dust and memory._ What he says is, “Never.” He closes his eyes, curls around Taako as they hold each other in the center of a bed too big for just two.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Seriously, it means the world to me that anyone cares about these stories and I've poured buckets of tears into this fic specifically. Come over to my tumblr @androidsfighting and cry with me!


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